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These are some of the jokes that made me laugh out aloud. They are not mine but I do love telling them!!

                                                       

Careful - Another Scam - happening at local Wal Marts

Two good looking 18 year old girls come up to your car as you are
parking. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex,
the other comes to your window saying 'hi' while bending over with her
breasts almost coming out of her blouse. It's impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer a tip, they say no but ask you for a
ride to the local Mall. You agree and tell them to sit in the back. On
the way they start having sex in the back seat. Then one climbs up front
and performs oral sex on you, while the other steals your wallet.

I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, but
couldn't find them on Saturday or Sunday.


Be careful!

                                                        ~~--~~

LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

                                                        ~~--~~

Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 lbs.

Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 min.

                                                        ~~--~~

A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him. As their wedding day approached, she became very nervous about her impending deflowering. Putting her anxiety aside, she decided that she would just marry her man and let him do whatever it was that he wanted to do.

The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the new things she’d seen. “What can I help you with?” he asked. She said, “Well first, what is that thing between my husband’s legs called?” “Ma’am,” he answered, “that there is called a penis.” “I see,” she said. “Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis called?” The old doctor smiled and said, “Why that is called the head of the penis.” “I do declare!” exclaimed the young woman. “One last question doctor, what are those two big round things about 12"-14" behind the head of the penis?” He paused and said “I’m not sure about your husband, ma’am, but on me, they’re called the cheeks of my ass.”

                                                        ~~--~~


A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.

While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00.”

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only $150.00?”

The man replied, “A man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”

                                                        ~~--~~

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to
take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”

The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind’a figured we was friends.”

                                                        ~~--~~

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying British Airways from London to Paris. The son (who had been looking out the window turned to his mother and asked, “If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don’t planes have baby planes?”

The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, “If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don’t planes have baby planes?”

The flight attendant responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?”

The little boy admitted that she did.

“Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because British Airways always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you.”

                                                        ~~--~~

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.

At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud “hiss-pop” noise. “The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold,” explains the guide. “The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.”

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a “Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop” noise. “Wait a minute!” says the man taking the tour. “I understand what the ‘hiss, hiss,’ is, but what’s that ‘pop’ every so often?”

“Oh, it’s just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine,” says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom.”

“Well, that can’t be good for the condoms!”

“Yeah, but it’s great for the baby-bottle nipple business!”
 

                                                        ~~--~~

* Behind every successful man, there is a great woman and behind every great woman, there is a smart guy staring at her butt.

* If you don’t believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

* Opinion is like an a** hole, everyone has one.

* A mistress is something between a mister and a mattress.

                                                        ~~--~~

A large company recently hired several cannibals as it was expanding quickly and couldn’t find enough British staff.

“You are all part of our team now”, said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. “You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the canteen on the Ground Floor for something to eat, but please don’t eat any of our other employees”.

The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, “You’re all working very hard and I’m satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.. Do any of you know what happened to her?”

The cannibals all shook their heads “No”.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, “Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?”

A hand rose hesitantly.

“You fool!” the leader continued. “For four weeks we’ve been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But , NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!”

                                                        ~~--~~

We were sitting in a fine restaurant when my wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

I said “I notice you’ve been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?”

“Yes” she replies, “He’s my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”

I said, “That’s remarkable, I wouldn’t think anybody could celebrate that long.”

She hasn’t spoken to me since - did I say something wrong?

                                                        ~~--~~

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs, to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females have been found to be using a date rape drug, easily available on the market, called "Beer" to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, in cans, from taps, and in large "kegs." Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific-looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "Marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know (And women with a sense of humor!) If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

                                                        ~~--~~


After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position.

‘For example,’ he suggested, ‘you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go.’

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.

‘Well, okay,’ the hesitant wife agreed, ‘but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away, and second...’ she continued, ‘you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house.’

                                                        ~~--~~

Comments made in the year 1955:

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are,
it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before
$2000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack
is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to
mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside
help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost
29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to
stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long
as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.
Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,
it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a
man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they
call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year
just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than
the president."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric.
They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women
are having to work to make ends meet."
"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone
to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting
divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of
foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our
income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to
government.

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt
they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend.
It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich
for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

                                                        ~~--~~

An employee for USAir, who happened to have the last name of GAY, got on a
plane recently using one of his company's "Free Flight" programs. However,
when Mr. Gay tried to take his seat, he found it being occupied by a paying
passenger. So, not to make a fuss, he simply chose another seat.

Unknown to Mr. Gay, another USAir flight at the airport experienced
mechanical problems. The passengers of this other flight were being
rerouted to various airplanes. A few were put on Mr. Gay's flight and anyone
who was holding a "free" ticket was being "bumped".

Airline officials, armed with a list of these "freebee" ticket holders
boarded the plane to remove the free ticket holders. Of course, our Mr. Gay
was not sitting in his assigned seat as you may remember.

So when the Ticket Agent approached the seat where Mr. Gay was supposed to
be sitting, she asked a startled customer "Are you Gay?". The man, shyly
nodded that he was, at which point she demanded: "Then you have to get off
the plane".

Our Mr. Gay, overhearing what the Ticket Agent had said, tried to clear up
the situation: "You've got the wrong man. I'm Gay!". This caused an angry
third passenger to yell "Hell, I'm gay too! They can't kick us all off!"
Confusion reined as more an more passengers began yelling that USAir had
no right to remove gays from their flights.

                                                        ~~--~~

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time. 

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.  At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in."

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girls parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, I had no idea you were this religious.

The boy turns, and whispers back, I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.

                                                        ~~--~~

An Indian named Chief Bowels lived in a teepee on the reservation. One day he received a letter from the state division of highways that said that they were going to build a freeway and it would go right through where his teepee was located and he would have to move.

He was very upset about this because his ancestors had lived in that exact place for many generations.

He decided to go into town to talk to someone and get them to change the route of the freeway.

He arrived in town but didn't know where to go so he asked someone for directions to the local office of the highway department. He was told to go three blocks straight ahead then turn left for two blocks and it would be on the right.

He went three blocks straight ahead then turned right and went into the building on the left. It was a drugstore.

The druggist asked him if he could help him and the Indian replied. "Bowels no move!"

"Oh," said the druggist. That's no problem. Take this twice a day for a week." he said, as he gave the Indian a bottle of medicine.

The Indian left and one week later the he returned. "Hello," said the druggist. "Did that medicine work?"

"Bowels still no move!" said the Indian.

"Well, well," said the druggist. "It appears that we will have to use something a little stronger. Take this four times a day for a week."

The Indian left and one week later he returned. "Hello again," said the druggist. "How are you doing?"

"Bowels still no move!" said the Indian.

"Oh my goodness!" said the druggist. "This really calls for something drastic. This is the most powerful treatment in existance. Take it eight times a day for a week."

The Indian left and one week later he returned. When the druggist saw him he asked, "bowels move?"

"Bowels have to move" said the Indian. "Teepee full of shit."


 

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